I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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