Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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