My friends, they love my intelligence
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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