His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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