Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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