So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
