In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
