I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We have so much sex to catch up on
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
