He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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