actually, I'm a sock model
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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