last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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