Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
