Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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