good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
