Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
