I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
