Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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