I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
