I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
