What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
