a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
