last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
