I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
try to milk me bitch
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