I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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