You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Randomize
