im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
