you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
