the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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