Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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