i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
