Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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