no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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