so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
