Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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