woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
