After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
