Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
