i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize