We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
