Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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