Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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