OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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