ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
