He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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