Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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