when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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