She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
