I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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