I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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