Me. At least after what I've been through.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
