sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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