i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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