I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
