help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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