oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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