can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize