My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
