The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
sarcasm needs its own font
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
