I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize