mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
