I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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