ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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